Some of you may not know this, but my husband and I planned to be perfectly and happily “done” after we had our third, bouncing bundle of joy in under three years. However, just three, very sleep-deprived, newborn months later, I was, surprise! Pregnant with twins! I wish I could say I took this news gracefully, but all I could think about was how exhausted I was (and nauseous! So nauseous!), and how I wasn’t sure I could handle five babes under four years of age, and be a decent mom – or even just keep up with my basic mom jobs?? Those thoughts all vanished, however, at my very first doctor appointment, when I learned there were twins, but one had recently passed away. I have a twin brother, so the thought of one of us not making it just tore me in two. I immediately felt a fierce love for both of them, and was deeply ashamed for being so selfish, and not fully realizing, or embracing the incredible, priceless, matchless gifts that God had given to me. I had squandered those first few weeks of pregnancy, and completely missed the opportunity to love on, and talk to my baby that had already passed on…. Still makes me very sad to think about that. I turned it around, though, and showered my surviving twin baby, that I saw kicking and sucking its thumb at my 11-week ultrasound, with lots of love talks, Bible verses, and prayer. I had adjusted my attitude, shifted my priorities, rearranged cribs, and bedrooms, and carseat sitches in my head – I was all in, and excited for this new plan God seemed to have laid for us. So, at my 14-week ultrasound, I was not prepared for the cold shock of seeing my “surviving” baby with no heartbeat. I learned the news at the very hour that my twin brother’s first baby boy was born. I remember staring at my dead baby’s ultrasound photo in one hand, and my phone lighting up with a photo of my twin’s beautiful, very much alive baby in my other hand, and then just breaking in two with severely contrasting emotions. The timing was not lost on me. The timing of me leaving the hospital, after having a D&C, at the exact same time that my twin and his wife were leaving the hospital with their brand-new baby, on the other corner of the country, was not lost on me. God had my full attention. Never again would I take the Gift of being a mama for granted. And I haven’t. I doooo have plenty of moments when I kinda forget (ha!), but I’m happy to say they’re always fleeting. My precious angel twins, and those specific events, made a deep, permanent impact on my mama heart, and continue to guide and shape my perspective and attitude in a daily way. So grateful for all of it.
And so grateful for this little stinker, for whom I prayed so hard for – I just cannot eeeeven imagine my life without him. He brings so much color and life to our little family – they all bring their beautiful, unique colors to this life, don’t they? We all do.
A whole-hearted cheers to this beautiful, messy, hard, colorful life we live! PS. Cheersing with clementine soda, rascally lizards, and lotsa gingham, is always a good idea.;)
I am wrapped around all their little pinkies for life.:)
Stylist + Mama x 4